Imagine being 36 and I never…
OK, I don’t call “doing homework” much of a date. I only did so a few times with just one girl in college. It did not go anywhere. She just kept ranting on about her “other boyfriend.” After my accident (being hit by a car in 2005), she never talked to me again.
I really never went on any actual date. I don’t even know what a relationship is. I tried again a few years ago though.
Another more recent “try” was a friends ex-girlfriend. It seemed she liked me, but it ended poorly where it seemed I wasn’t allowed to be seen with her, or now, I cannot talk to her. I tried recovering, but I found that she just didn’t respect me.
I never even experienced a first kiss.
This does sadden me, to the point of suicidal thinking. This also means I never really touched or was touched by anyone.
Anxiety isn’t helping me with trying to talk to other girls, or women. The older I get the harder it seems to just talk to anyone.
I did tell the two women about my “situation,” and it did seem to instantly scare them away from me. I’m kind of thinking it is fucked up that being a male virgin scares away women, yet most men, like myself really prefer women that didn’t fuck around. The recent girl even said “no one wants a man that doesn’t know what he is doing in bed.” That just means to me whores, only want, well, man whores. I think it is selfish anyone to think such a thing, and entirely childish. It does though seem that man whores pretty much get what they want.
If this is how women think, it just seems I’m never going to be allowed to ever know what love is.
I just know I almost cry sometimes, when I see a couple and their kids just walking through the park. I know it is something I will never have.
I try to hold on, but I don’t know how much longer I can do so.
The reality is that nobody understands. Instead every keeps a blind view, and when or if I do decide to do myself in, people will still go “why.”