Williamstown, NJ bike path Sept 16th 2014.  Taken at warp 2. 

Williamstown, NJ bike path Sept 16th 2014.  Taken at warp 2. 

So what is love? Will I know what it is at this point?

Imagine being 36 and I never…

Actually dated.  

OK, I don’t call “doing homework” much of a date.  I only did so a few times with just one girl in college.  It did not go anywhere.  She just kept ranting on about her “other boyfriend.”  After my accident (being hit by a car in 2005), she never talked to me again. 

I really never went on any actual date.  I don’t even know what a relationship is.  I tried again a few years ago though.

Another more recent “try” was a friends ex-girlfriend. It seemed she liked me, but it ended poorly where it seemed I wasn’t allowed to be seen with her, or now, I cannot talk to her.  I tried recovering, but I found that she just didn’t respect me.

I never even experienced a first kiss.

This does sadden me, to the point of suicidal thinking.  This also means I never really touched or was touched by anyone.  

Anxiety isn’t helping me with trying to talk to other girls, or women.  The older I get the harder it seems to just talk to anyone. 

I did tell the two women about my “situation,” and it did seem to instantly scare them away from me.  I’m kind of thinking it is fucked up that being a male virgin scares away women, yet most men, like myself really prefer women that didn’t fuck around.  The recent girl even said “no one wants a man that doesn’t know what he is doing in bed.”  That just means to me whores, only want, well, man whores.   I think it is selfish anyone to think such a thing, and entirely childish.  It does though seem that man whores pretty much get what they want.

If this is how women think, it just seems I’m never going to be allowed to ever know what love is.

I just know I almost cry sometimes, when I see a couple and their kids just walking through the park.  I know it is something I will never have.

I try to hold on, but I don’t know how much longer I can do so.

The reality is that nobody understands. Instead every keeps a blind view, and when or if I do decide to do myself in, people will still go “why.”

August I turned 36.

The 35th year of my life is closed. I turned 36 on August 15th.

Workwise, I have not found a new job. I stopped working for the guy I worked for since 2005 due to, too much BS. Getting the car was really what got me to stop answering emails or my phone when the guy called (he still calls once in a while). I have been looking another job, but I have not found anything yet worth bothering with. Painting jobs, just don’t pay, or they don’t give better than my last boss payed (11/hr). That is the pay I had since 2005 also, and was another reason to just stop dealing with it. I have been wanting a bike shop job, but I don’t really want to just deal with road/MTB. I like old bikes, and bmx bikes, and repairing.

Peoplewise, I guess I did a little better this year. I started doing the Full Moon bike rides and made some friends in the process. I haven’t really made new friends in the last ten years since my “accident.” I was seeing what is in local bars after I got the car, but really there is nobody worth dealing with in NJ bars. The local Pine hill ones are nice and small, just 5 people, but… smoking really does bother me, and that’s all the people seemed to do in those bars.

I guess getting the car was a positive thing. It pretty much just made it so I can drive somewhere that isn’t here to sit and think. I was doing that at first anyway. The car otherwise helps get to a better place to ride, or a different place that I’m not burned out looking at. The car did get me to drive to Indiana to visit my Uncle, and see my Aunt in her final days. The reason for the car was to find a job, but that didn’t seem to work out yet.

Riding? After 2014 hit I pretty much stopped riding daily. I got to the point of just riding maybe once a month (in the Full moon rides). I kind of got burned out more by snow. It snowed way too much in the winter. I also felt that, since nobody cares if I ride, why bother trying to impress people. People were kissing my ass about the car way more than the bikes in my pictures. A bike I worked on and built myself, nobody ever gave two shits about, but oh a used junky Subaru “Oh that is great bla bla bla.” I am back to riding somewhat more but not much. Another long trip to ride somewhere is in the works. Indiana was a nice area to ride, and I plan more “beachfront” rides. The recent Fondo ride was OK, but I was too much in a hurry, I didn’t get enough pictures of places. I don’t care if it was hilly, but the area had a cool canal path, and farmland is quickly being overbuilt to where it may not even be there next year…
After the new year though, I did start playing World of Warcraft again. That did somewhat keep me from riding.

So what do I hope for in 36?

I always hope for my first true love.  It still is on my top things on my list.  A new job I like would be nice, like in a bike shop.  Moving out and maybe into Philly or somewhere around it in PA instead of NJ is something I keep looking into.  More new friends from the Moon rides, bike parties, etc is nice too.

Pier next to the Ben Franklin Bridge in Philly. 

Pier next to the Ben Franklin Bridge in Philly. 

26th or 27th a block south of Fairmount Ave in Philly, Philadelphia, PA

26th or 27th a block south of Fairmount Ave in Philly, Philadelphia, PA

I frequently ride over the Ben Franklin Bridge, in Philly

I frequently ride over the Ben Franklin Bridge, in Philly

Building next to the Sugar House in Philly

Building next to the Sugar House in Philly

Hub Cab Place on Route 70 in New Jersey

Hub Cab Place on Route 70 in New Jersey

A few photos from Ocean City, and Sea Isle City, NJ.
more are at https://www.facebook.com/thenjriderridelogA few photos from Ocean City, and Sea Isle City, NJ.
more are at https://www.facebook.com/thenjriderridelog

A few photos from Ocean City, and Sea Isle City, NJ.

more are at https://www.facebook.com/thenjriderridelog

Some photos from a recent ride in Jersey City/Hoboken, NJ.
More are at https://www.facebook.com/thenjriderridelogSome photos from a recent ride in Jersey City/Hoboken, NJ.
More are at https://www.facebook.com/thenjriderridelogSome photos from a recent ride in Jersey City/Hoboken, NJ.
More are at https://www.facebook.com/thenjriderridelog

Some photos from a recent ride in Jersey City/Hoboken, NJ.

More are at https://www.facebook.com/thenjriderridelog

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